In addition to being the one-year anniversary of the death of Osama Bin Laden, today is also my one-month anniversary. On the second of last month, I first went out to coffee with my now-boyfriend, Don.
I've never been much for celebrating anniversaries, honestly. In high school, my then-boyfriend (and, later, fiancé) once brought anniversary gifts into our bio class because it was the only time we really saw each other during the day. Now, this might seem bitchy or ungrateful, but I was absolutely mortified, especially because our teacher thought it was the sweetest thing ever and made a huge deal out of it. It was that I didn't appreciate the thought; I just didn't really like the attention and I felt that it was a bit unnecessary. I was glad when none of my other boyfriends and girlfriends got all squirrely about marking special occasions (and not just because I had a hard time remembering dates).
But today I actually feel like I have something to celebrate. Why? Because this is my first one-month anniversary in a really long time.
High school and college for me can be chronicled pretty well using my love life. Shortly after grad school started, however, I kind of hit a wall when it came to romance and sex. A very high, very hard two-year-long wall. Between St. Patrick's Day of 2010 and the day after St. Patrick's Day of 2012, absolutely nothing happened in my love life. No dates. No relationships. No sex. Nada. Zip. Nothing.
I'm not really sure to what I should attribute this horrifically long dry spell. I think it was mostly that the pool of potential partners in grad school was a lot smaller than it was when I was an undergrad. Regardless of the reason, it was really strange and (more than) a little depressing. I won't claim that I'm the female Casanova or anything, but before my life turned into a barren wasteland of singleness, four months seemed like a long time between relationships. (And by relationships, I really mean regular sexual partners. Relationships just sounds better.)
In 2011, things started to look up...or so I thought. I asked a guy I was interested in to go to coffee and he said yes. And then he agreed to go to dinner. And I started to believe that maybe, just maybe, the dry spell was over. "But wait," you're thinking, "didn't she just say she didn't have a date until 2012?" This is not a contradiction, ladies and gentlemen. What I assumed were two dates (Those do sound like dates, right? I'm not crazy or anything?) were actually not. Which I didn't find out until I tried to kiss him good night after our second "not-a-date." Turns out that he hadn't realized that by coffee and dinner--two mainstays of early dating rituals in Western culture--I meant coffee and dinner. He was literally convinced that I was just a nice person who wanted to be friends.
I think the words you're looking for right now are "Oy vey."
After that I sort of tried to convince myself that it didn't really matter. For a while I hadn't minded being single. It was nice not to have to worry about someone else or to deal with the drama that comes with a relationship. But by March of 2012, I was no longer able to keep up that charade. I was lonely and I was ready to date again. For real this time. But I knew that I wasn't likely to find a partner at my job and there aren't a lot of other places that I frequent enough. I don't like the bar scene and my friends aren't the kind (thankfully) to set someone up on a blind date. So, what was a poor single girl to do? What practically everyone has had to do from time to time: online dating.
I went into the online dating scene with trepidation. I had never had a very good opinion of it and was almost positive that nothing would come of it. After I had signed up and filled out my profile, I didn't expect to get any hits. I'm not completely unfortunate looking, but I'm also no raving beauty, so I figured it would be a cold day in hell before someone actually sent me a message. Boy, was I ever wrong. Unfortunately, most of the messages I got were either from complete scumbags or from really nice men and women who I genuinely had nothing in common with.
When I finally found someone I was compatible with and met with him for coffee, I was really excited. "This is it," I thought. "I'm finally dating again." We were seeing each other only for a few weeks before I started to think that maybe I should have just stayed single. Without getting into detail, this guy ended up being a complete asshole. The one thing that really made me angry was the fact that he assumed that I didn't feel attractive because of my weight and that it was completely okay for him to date me even though he didn't find me attractive. He would constantly make comments about it and even tried to convince me not to eat certain things. I'm sorry, but if I wanted someone to be my father, I'd have said that on the first date.
While things were fizzling out with Douchey McDoucherson, I met Don. We had been messaging back and forth for over a week before we finally agreed to meet up for coffee and I had pretty much decided by that point that I was willing to give this a go. We have a lot in common and got into a lot of interesting topics while sending long, detailed messages to each other. Within the first fifteen minutes of our first date, I was convinced that I either had to date this man or, at the very least, be his best friend. One month later and we're in the process of building a strong relationship based on friendship, intellect, trust, and mutual attraction.
So, while I don't usually get all gushy and romantic about anniversaries, this year is different. It isn't really only because this is the first relationship I've had since before the last midterm election. It's also because he and I fit well together. It's because I've found someone who is compatible in all the right ways and who makes me feel...whole. Even though it's only been a month, I'm starting to understand what people mean when they use the word "soulmate." I don't necessarily believe in the concept, but it's the only word I can use to describe what he means to me.
Even with the bad experiences I had with online dating, it (as well as the two-year gap in my love life) was worth it. Don's the kind of person that I'd want to be friends with even if things didn't work out romantically. Finding someone like that made the effort of wading through a sea of frogs seem not so bad after all. I've changed my tune a bit about using dating sites, although I'm still not completely impressed with them. And who knows? Maybe this will end up as one of those success stories that are always shoved down your throat in an effort to get you to join dating sites. Regardless, I've gotten my groove back and I've found a prince.
"And that," as Robert Frost said, "has made all the difference."
-J
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